After taking a major hiatus, going through some tough times and finally finding my way back I have returned. These next few posts are going to be rather large just trying to catch y'all up so bare with me. I definitely will bring the DIYs back but for now I really need to get some things off of my chest and just tell my testimony.
I think my last post was almost exactly a year ago and boy have things changed. After my busy season kicked off in April I started to go through personally some areas of life I've never been. The happiness I once had, wasn't completely the same. The smile I once wore, was distant and if near not always genuine. I'm not really at the point where I want to go into details but for almost 7 or 8 months I truly just tried to fight it out on my own. I figured 2014 was just not my year and things would get better eventually.
After a few large changes in my career happened in August I was about ready to just run away and start over again. I told myself this was a sign that maybe my time here in Birmingham is done, because this was not at all what I had asked for. It really felt like the icing on the 'crap cake'. I started making plans to move out West and started quietly saying my goodbyes.
My timeline was set and I convinced myself after my big event in October is over, I'm gone. I'd be in Vegas by the New Year. Based on my stress levels alone and the tears I cried from being overwhelmed just from that event it only made me want to leave sooner. I remember finally breaking down to my parents. Mind you our relationship one where I call everytime time my feelings are hurt so I tend to keep these sort of feelings to myself. As I was in the middle of a minor breakdown my dad just says over the phone, "Do I need to come be with you?". They live in Atlanta which is about a 3 hour drive so of course I simply said, "no". I'm an adult and should be able to handle this on my own. Of course daddy's girl was still going to do something since he could never just let me sit back and slowly watch me knock myself down. I logged on my Twitter and found multiple songs dad had found on YouTube all being some sort of gospel or inspiration. It made me laugh because it made sense why he was so concerned when he called the day before asking how to load songs on his Twitter. I didn't think twice and figured it was just a parent wanting to learn a new trick. No, it was a parent just reaching out the best way they knew how to a child of the technology era. I remember playing one of the songs he tweeted to me, Marvin Sapp 'Never Would of Made It' in my car and breaking down. Not because I was sad but for once they were tears of relief.
It was then that last week in October of 2014 I realized what I've not only been missing these past 10 months but essentially my entire life. Going to church growing up was a routine Sunday/Wednesday deal. I enjoyed my friends there but could never truly say I enjoyed the messages. They didn't spark anything inside of me. They didn't make me want to throw my hands up in the air or scream and shout, "AMEN"! So, once I left for college I kind of left God in a way and the church behind. I would go when I came home but I never went any other time. I went 4-5 years having a pretty good life and thought I'm not doing too bad on my own. I believed in God, yes but did I truly know Him? Absolutely not.
It's crazy to think how much I've cheated myself out of knowing our Creator. I want to kick myself in the butt every time I think how I missed out on some good times. Sure life was great but I now know for a fact it would have been oh so much greater and sweeter if He was involved. It's kind of like when you get a B+ on a big final and you're jumping for joy because you really didn't study for it. Then you think well dang, if I would have studied and dedicated more time to it I could of made an even better grade! Until we truly have to study and as long as we can skate by with a 'good life' we see no need or urgency to change anything.
2014 knocked me down pretty hard. Kind of like a ton of bricks in all areas of life. Just got out of a long relationship, started acting completely out of my character, job changes I was terrified of and borderline depression from it all. God bless the people in my life because I seriously don't know what would of happened if it weren't for them. Jeremiah 31:3 says, "Yes I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you." God is OBSESSED with us. The kind of obsession that no other man or woman can feel towards another, it's quite amazing. He's obsessed with the greatest of traits He's given us and He's just as obsessed with the flaws and sin ridden life we sometimes live. We'll never find a love like that here on Earth but He wants us to have something pretty close. Looking back on how I ended up with the people I now lean on and worship with only proved He had been looking out for me all along. Before I was even a thought or even created, God had everyone placed in my life for this exact moment. He made them for me as He made me for them.
I didn't realize my dear friend who I met through a mutual friend of ours would be the person to bring me back to church. It's just funny because our mutual friend was a classmate and the only reason we became close is because it started with me snapping on her about her loud 'nails on chalkboard' pencil. God gave her the sense of patience because any other person would have called me rude and not spoken to me again. He knew she'd become a lifelong friend and would bring more God loving people into my life helping lead me back to Him.
My best friend of 15+ years has always been deep in her faith and grew even closer when I started growing further and further away. It's crazy because when you recommit yourself, I mean your entire being and every inch of you to God you want to make sure there's no distraction or temptation. My best friend could of easily written me off but once again God gave me 'gifts' as I like to call them with more patience than water in the ocean. She actually revealed to me later on after I recommitted my life to Christ that for quite sometime now she had been praying for me. Not only her but my older brother and many others as well said the same.
How amazing is God? Even when I don't choose to involve Him in my life he created others to do so for me until I was ready. Let me break that down. I CHOSE to opt out of His grace and mercy. I CHOSE to say, "Nah I'm straight on life God". I CHOSE to do what I knew wasn't right and CHOSE not to worry about His forgiveness after the fact. I wasn't the worse sinner on Earth but I surely wasn't the best child of God. Now call me crazy but what other human would go to those lengths to still be in your life after you've CHOSEN not to want it? Speechless when I think about that. I don't know, maybe I'm just preaching to myself! Lol
My first experience at the Church of the Highlands is almost indescribable. I have no ill feelings towards my previous churches but within minutes I found my hands in the air at the Highlands. I felt like there was this shield of peace and safeness around me. I felt all the troubles I've encountered this past year had disappeared. I felt as if there was nothing at this moment or at this time that could stop me from doing anything. I felt pure happiness and absolute joy to the point of tears. I just felt, limitless.
I'm really excited and so blessed I can share this journey. At first it was awkward to speak about because I felt I'm far from perfect and should be the last person trying to convict another. God is telling me it's my time to talk and share so I'm really just here to be used by Him. If I can help a handful of people or even just one I know that's all He wants. Just a little mustard seed of faith is all I need.
Before I sign off for today I want to share one of the first verses that spoke volumes as I began the process to recommitting my life to Christ. It gives me chills every time I read it and I read it often to remind myself where I started and how I have so much more to do and so far to go!
Psalm 34:3 "I sought the LORD, and he answered me; He delivered me from all of my fears". At my lowest point and cries of, "Why me God?" this took all the questions away. I got down on my knees and prayed for Him to deliver me from all of my stress and burden because I just simply couldn't handle it anymore. Who am I to think I could have from the beginning when there's only one person who truly can and not only 'can' but WANTS to. I opened my eyes and it was then I knew I was His for eternity and after when I felt my heart be still.
I'm here to say I'm not perfect. God adores His children, but more so those who are a little lost. He loves to heal those who are hurt. He wants us all to experience how amazing life on this Earth can be despite the devil's temptations and sins surrounding us. I'm still learning every day and I still slip up with things like my temper. Which is why it's great that even when you do go astray and try and runaway He's right there on the front porch when you come on back home with open arms.
God I thank you for always having your door opened when there were times you should of closed it and locked me out. You're not only our Creator but our Father, our friend, our One and everything we need you to be. I pray you continue to bless and guide me in your light Lord and remind me although I may not be perfect to others or myself, I'm every thread and stitch of perfect to you. Thank you Lord for your grace and mercy and touch those near and far with your love.
In Jesus name, amen.
If you made it this far in this post, God bless! If not, hey God bless you even more! I'm excited to be back home and have MANY MANY MANY more things to share within these past two months.
Tootles:)
N
